Position Versus Need

The single most useful concept from negotiation research: the difference between position and need.

• A position is what someone says they want;
• A need is why they actually want it.

They are almost never the same thing.

The Orange

Two siblings fighting over an orange.

• Position 1: "I want the orange."
• Position 2: "No, I want the orange."

Looks like irreconcilable conflict.

Real needs underneath:

• Sibling 1 wanted the juice for a recipe;
• Sibling 2 wanted the peel for baking.

Compatible needs. Different positions. If they'd asked why instead of arguing what — both would have won completely.

Adult Conflicts Work The Same Way

At home. You and your partner fight about whether to visit your parents this weekend.

• Position 1: "We have to go."
• Position 2: "We can't."

Real needs underneath: one wants connection with family. The other wants rest. Compatible. Different weekend. Or different setup. Same fight, different planet.

At work. Your coworker wants a different project structure than you.

• Position 1: "We need structure A."
• Position 2: "We need structure B."

Real needs underneath: they need credit for their work. You need predictable timelines. Both can be solved without giving up on either.

The Magic Question

When someone takes a position you can't agree with, don't argue the position. Ask why.

"Help me understand what's important here for you."

This is the most useful question in difficult conversations. It moves both of you from positions, where you're stuck, to needs, where there's usually a way through.

This isn't soft. It's realistic. Two people locked at positions never get anywhere. Two people who understand each other's actual needs almost always find something workable.

The shift from arguing what to asking why is the difference between conversations that explode and conversations that resolve.